A day....of self pity

So I'm having "a day" on this lazy sunday. It's been a nice & much needed restful one, however sometimes when I'm not busy being busy, the wheels in my head start spinning a million miles per minute, and friends, that's not always a good thing. I started writing in this blog again to be raw and real, so here I am.  I don't really ever feel that I'm not "real", because honestly, it makes me tired to try and be anything I'm not. We've all been there as kids, that awkward middle school age, high school desperation, even as adults be it w friends, family, social media, church....you get my drift. Ain't nobody got time....and if you do, you aren't doing yourself, children, or anyone really, any favors. There's a LOT of pressure from just about everywhere on how you should be and what you should look like and what your life should look like.
Anyway, to get to my point. I'm having a pity party for myself. You're not invited. It's not fun. In fact it's pretty ridiculous. But, it's hip hop happening. I feel alone. A lot. More so when the choices I (and my husband) make, affect our kids. No one wants to ever see their child's heart hurt. However, I can relate to my child's heartache because I feel the same way. A lot. I'm weird. I know. I get it. And most people, even some of my closest friends and family think & have expressed that they believe I "shelter" my kids. And/or that I do too much. It's fine, and it will not change because those decisions are between me, my husband, and God. Period. But.....sometimes in my humanness it just hurts. And sucks. And makes me feel secluded. It's not approval that I need, I guess maybe just respect. Understanding and a little support are always nice too. Snide comments, knowing you are talked about by people you love, and of course the "jokes" that are really truths someone's trying to jab you with, are never fun.
Just incase you missed the memo at some point, yes, I'm sensitive. No, I do not need anyone to cater to that. That's dumb. I take words to heart....again, it's just who I am. I remember things....absurd, ridiculous things, that most probably never give a second thought. Do you ever feel like the odd one out? Like everyone smiles, laughs, and just loooooooooves you! But not really. You know the real deal. You can tell by the fruit a person bears. And how much they really come around.... Because they're always here if you need them! ......till you may need them, or until you're brought up in conversation when you're not present. Do you feel like I'm bringing you back to high school again yet? Because I do. Sorry :/
I also want to note that I can be a really crummy friend/person. When it comes to picking up the phone, remembering important dates, making it a point to get together.... #fail. But those aren't the things I'm speaking of here at my party. I'm talking about the heart. Character. Not that I've never failed in those areas either, but this is my party and I'll cry if I want to. We all know being married is hard work, being a parent is hard work, but you know, being an adult is hard work too. Things change! Quickly and often! Hormones, health, jobs, finances, priorities.... All the things none of us considered when we were all in such a hurry to grow up.
I was a die hard cheerleader from 6th grade until I graduated high school. Then I coached cheerleading, and currently, I am the biggest cheerleader for many people in my life. Because again, that's just who I am. Loud, excited, competitive, empathic, and I truly, honest to goodness just love people (most of the time) ;) I don't know that I've ever really felt that I've been cheered for though. My husband doesnt count right now bc he wasn't invited to my pity party either. Plus..... He supports me so much more, above and beyond any cheerleader could. There's nothing else I need really..... It's just that life and the people in it can really knock you down. And I'm finding it more difficult to find people that purposefully lift you up, encourage you, speak a kind word just because, especially when you're not around. :/ Like I said, I am blessed beyond what I deserve....But I'm just a girl sometimes. And right now, I'm being SUCH a girl. So....with that....I think I will go eat some ice cream :)

What do you think of me?

From baby steps and finger paints
And learning how to read,
I proudly asked the worlds advice,
"What do you think of me?"

With trophies, grades, and honors
I quickly began to see,
The world applauds success and fame--
"What do you think of me?"

"You look great," "you smell good,"
"You've lost some weight I see."
With high school came the dating game
"What do you think of me?"

For boyfriends and promised love,
I traded my purity,
I choked back tears and silently asked,
"What do you think of me?"

The worlds applause was my reward
When I sought to please,
But the clapping stopped when I missed the mark,
"What do you think of me?"

And now I stand before His throne
Burdened by sin and shame,
Beaten and battered by the world,
I call upon His name.

I hold back tears and try to speak,
But utter a silent plea.
With downcast eyes, I finally ask,
"What do you think of me?"

I catch my breath as He draws close
In fear, my knees grow weak.
My heart grows faint as I wait on Him
And then I hear Him speak:

"My child," He said, "the time had come
When you ask the same of me.
For so long you sought the worlds advice--
"What do you think of me?"

"Now here we are, my turn has come,
The chance to finally say
Exactly what I think of you,
So allow me if I may."

Gently, He takes my chin
And raises my face to see,
"My child, you are beautiful--
You were made in the image of me"

"The world was quick to judge your deeds,
But failed to tell you the rest,
There was NOTHING you could do,
To make me love you less."

"Before you ever drew a breath,
My name was on your heart,
The author of your hidden frame,
Before your life did start."

"You entered this life with pomp and fare
And I held my breath to see,
If those I allowed to care for you
Would teach you all about me."

"An innocent child, your journey began
In this life to find your place.
The world was quick to take your hand
And thus began the race."

"In quiet moments throughout your life
I whispered in your ear,
tender pledges of my love,
I hoped someday you'd hear."

"But the world could offer nothing
To fill your inmost need,
And release you from bondage and pain
And love you eternally."

"My son was sent to tell the world
All of my unfailing love.
A covenant pledged to ALL mankind
Written in heaven above."

"My boy was nailed to a rugged cross,
For you he agreed to die.
Burdened by your sin and shame,
'It is finished," he finally cried.

"The world could never match my love,
The price was far too high,
For if you were just the only one,
My son would choose to die."

"I've gone to desperate lengths my child,
To prove my love to you.
I loved you then, I love you now,
Will you love me too.?"

"My child," He said, "the choice is yours.
What will your answer be?
It's your turn now, the question is,
What do you think of me?"

~Vicki Courtney