A day....of self pity

So I'm having "a day" on this lazy sunday. It's been a nice & much needed restful one, however sometimes when I'm not busy being busy, the wheels in my head start spinning a million miles per minute, and friends, that's not always a good thing. I started writing in this blog again to be raw and real, so here I am.  I don't really ever feel that I'm not "real", because honestly, it makes me tired to try and be anything I'm not. We've all been there as kids, that awkward middle school age, high school desperation, even as adults be it w friends, family, social media, church....you get my drift. Ain't nobody got time....and if you do, you aren't doing yourself, children, or anyone really, any favors. There's a LOT of pressure from just about everywhere on how you should be and what you should look like and what your life should look like.
Anyway, to get to my point. I'm having a pity party for myself. You're not invited. It's not fun. In fact it's pretty ridiculous. But, it's hip hop happening. I feel alone. A lot. More so when the choices I (and my husband) make, affect our kids. No one wants to ever see their child's heart hurt. However, I can relate to my child's heartache because I feel the same way. A lot. I'm weird. I know. I get it. And most people, even some of my closest friends and family think & have expressed that they believe I "shelter" my kids. And/or that I do too much. It's fine, and it will not change because those decisions are between me, my husband, and God. Period. But.....sometimes in my humanness it just hurts. And sucks. And makes me feel secluded. It's not approval that I need, I guess maybe just respect. Understanding and a little support are always nice too. Snide comments, knowing you are talked about by people you love, and of course the "jokes" that are really truths someone's trying to jab you with, are never fun.
Just incase you missed the memo at some point, yes, I'm sensitive. No, I do not need anyone to cater to that. That's dumb. I take words to heart....again, it's just who I am. I remember things....absurd, ridiculous things, that most probably never give a second thought. Do you ever feel like the odd one out? Like everyone smiles, laughs, and just loooooooooves you! But not really. You know the real deal. You can tell by the fruit a person bears. And how much they really come around.... Because they're always here if you need them! ......till you may need them, or until you're brought up in conversation when you're not present. Do you feel like I'm bringing you back to high school again yet? Because I do. Sorry :/
I also want to note that I can be a really crummy friend/person. When it comes to picking up the phone, remembering important dates, making it a point to get together.... #fail. But those aren't the things I'm speaking of here at my party. I'm talking about the heart. Character. Not that I've never failed in those areas either, but this is my party and I'll cry if I want to. We all know being married is hard work, being a parent is hard work, but you know, being an adult is hard work too. Things change! Quickly and often! Hormones, health, jobs, finances, priorities.... All the things none of us considered when we were all in such a hurry to grow up.
I was a die hard cheerleader from 6th grade until I graduated high school. Then I coached cheerleading, and currently, I am the biggest cheerleader for many people in my life. Because again, that's just who I am. Loud, excited, competitive, empathic, and I truly, honest to goodness just love people (most of the time) ;) I don't know that I've ever really felt that I've been cheered for though. My husband doesnt count right now bc he wasn't invited to my pity party either. Plus..... He supports me so much more, above and beyond any cheerleader could. There's nothing else I need really..... It's just that life and the people in it can really knock you down. And I'm finding it more difficult to find people that purposefully lift you up, encourage you, speak a kind word just because, especially when you're not around. :/ Like I said, I am blessed beyond what I deserve....But I'm just a girl sometimes. And right now, I'm being SUCH a girl. So....with that....I think I will go eat some ice cream :)

What do you think of me?

From baby steps and finger paints
And learning how to read,
I proudly asked the worlds advice,
"What do you think of me?"

With trophies, grades, and honors
I quickly began to see,
The world applauds success and fame--
"What do you think of me?"

"You look great," "you smell good,"
"You've lost some weight I see."
With high school came the dating game
"What do you think of me?"

For boyfriends and promised love,
I traded my purity,
I choked back tears and silently asked,
"What do you think of me?"

The worlds applause was my reward
When I sought to please,
But the clapping stopped when I missed the mark,
"What do you think of me?"

And now I stand before His throne
Burdened by sin and shame,
Beaten and battered by the world,
I call upon His name.

I hold back tears and try to speak,
But utter a silent plea.
With downcast eyes, I finally ask,
"What do you think of me?"

I catch my breath as He draws close
In fear, my knees grow weak.
My heart grows faint as I wait on Him
And then I hear Him speak:

"My child," He said, "the time had come
When you ask the same of me.
For so long you sought the worlds advice--
"What do you think of me?"

"Now here we are, my turn has come,
The chance to finally say
Exactly what I think of you,
So allow me if I may."

Gently, He takes my chin
And raises my face to see,
"My child, you are beautiful--
You were made in the image of me"

"The world was quick to judge your deeds,
But failed to tell you the rest,
There was NOTHING you could do,
To make me love you less."

"Before you ever drew a breath,
My name was on your heart,
The author of your hidden frame,
Before your life did start."

"You entered this life with pomp and fare
And I held my breath to see,
If those I allowed to care for you
Would teach you all about me."

"An innocent child, your journey began
In this life to find your place.
The world was quick to take your hand
And thus began the race."

"In quiet moments throughout your life
I whispered in your ear,
tender pledges of my love,
I hoped someday you'd hear."

"But the world could offer nothing
To fill your inmost need,
And release you from bondage and pain
And love you eternally."

"My son was sent to tell the world
All of my unfailing love.
A covenant pledged to ALL mankind
Written in heaven above."

"My boy was nailed to a rugged cross,
For you he agreed to die.
Burdened by your sin and shame,
'It is finished," he finally cried.

"The world could never match my love,
The price was far too high,
For if you were just the only one,
My son would choose to die."

"I've gone to desperate lengths my child,
To prove my love to you.
I loved you then, I love you now,
Will you love me too.?"

"My child," He said, "the choice is yours.
What will your answer be?
It's your turn now, the question is,
What do you think of me?"

~Vicki Courtney

On my mind this week: *The plane. It's the government. End of story. **The movies "Son of God" and "Noah" ...keep in mind the new age movement & please educate yourself & have discretion....esp for your children. ***I am thankful for modern medicine, however again, this is another area we have put so much routine & trust into and need to educate ourselves. Not one single body on the face of this earth is the same. Doctors spend 25% OR LESS time studying food & nutrition while in school. I was floored by this. Not ok. If you've read any of my previous posts or happen to be following me on Instagram, you will see I am on a new healing journey and am graciously & thankfully learning buckets! ****the no make up challenge. Great support for many reasons. However, this world has enough falsities and high expectations/pressure on women & young youth that tear my heart into shreds. It's everywhere and it's hard. The reason for me choosing to opt out of this "no make up challenge" is because it would be a lie. I had my eyeliner permanently done, my lips too. (Although very light, it's still there) I'm also a fan of airbrush tanning. I guess I just feel it wrong to rub off some concealer & mascara and play that off as my "natural" look. Although I do not have them, eyelash extensions are another bother. Maybe this is me just being sensitive because I worked with so many young ladies via youth group, cheer coaching, and now have a daughter approaching a very delicate age that comes with many pressures and temptations. This is an ugly world when it comes to vanity. In fact the pressures and expectations are down right cruel. Please, #bereal #takeastand #setanexample

On a happy, lighter note....I'm a little over 2 weeks into this whole food journey and I'm feeling fan freaking tastic! 6 pounds have come off w my food shifting and I have more energy ....wait for it... With no coffee! Zero. Continuing to digest all this reading, conversation w real people, and experimentation. You have no idea how thrilled I am. Oh! And my oils. Love me my doTerra. If you have any questions or want to order anything to try, I would be happy to help and get you whatever at cost.

I hope you all are enjoying spring break!! Bring on summer!!! I'm soooooo ready!

These are the little freaks I get to deal with! Haha! ;)

You can call me Dr.

So I'm on this new journey. With food. Y'all know my obsession w doTerra oils, which have helped my family immensely, but the food, it's so important. Most of us have got it all wrong... It's only been 10 days, and I want you to know, I'm healing my freaking body!!! I'm not going to go into grave detail about all of my health problems, surgeries, and issues I've been struggling with over the past few years, but I will tell you this, I Tara McMullen, am on the mend and everything's making so much sense now! Can you tell I'm excited? Seriously though.....I've come across some INCREDIBLE recourses, real people, and real answers that I am so thankful for. I cannot wait to continue keeping track and share more with you guys. But like I said.... It's only been 10 days, so stay tuned ;)

March madness

Things heard on the news this morning that really ruffled my feathers: "Things got so bad financially, that they almost had their cable shut off", and "start slow and never leave your dog unattended on the treadmill". What. In the john. Is going. On. I'm not even going to go into depth on what I'm thinking or how I feel about this idiocracy. It needs no further attention. I need to stop watching the news.


This was an INSANE week. Who chooses the week of double birthdays to finish up taxes and volunteer in her daughters 1st grade class?? I'll never understand these brains of mine. I think I have this marvelous plan of just getting EVERYTHING taken care of, done, and over with, so that I will have in turn, have like maybe a day to do nothing! My days to 'do nothing', would normally start after I get the kids ready & off to school, clean the kitchen, switch over & start laundry, and turn OFF every Lord blessed light the kids left on, and wait until 2:30 to gather them and begin the afternoon/evening schedule. Sigh. That never happens. It's my own fault. I'll go pay a bill and get stuck on hold listening to anything but good music, so to pass that time, I'll start dusting or hanging clothes, or worse, organizing something that WILL NOT get finished before the bell rings. It's a silly, vicious, ADD cycle I tell you.

Anyhow, those March babes of mine. I think I can kind of relate to mothers of twins during this week every year. Just this week though. I'm not here to take credit. You twin moms, you need a super heros cape. With glitter. And some wings. Birthdays are a big deal around these parts. I've tried reeeeeally hard to make and fill their special days with their favorite things, people, and time, as opposed to lots of gifts. This has not always been an easy task, but! With a little sacrifice, determination, and wine, it gets done. Oh ya, I gave up wine for Lent this year. I know. I know.

Alas, the birthdays were a success. I thought I counted 108 cupcakes, but I was wrong. 144 cupcakes, 1 classroom celebration,  1 all boy party, 1 all girl party, 1 sleepover, and 1big family celebration later, this mama is ok with not pulling out a cupcake pan for a little while. ;) I'm so grateful for my March munchkins. And my Brynlee girl who helped me pull it off. Shes pretty great <3

I wanted to share my favorite gift from this weekend. And it belongs to neither birthday child. It belongs to me! My sweet sister in law showed up with it to yesterday's party for me, and because I'm a baby, I cried. Just a little. I had tortillas fryin. ;) It's perfect. And it is exactly the way I feel. And those moments when I'm not "feelin" it.....It's so good to remember.


"I've discovered that this act of mothering is my worship to him, right now, dying to self & delighting in them (oh yes it is messy and sloppy sometimes), there is failure ~yet~ forgiveness and grace and growing" <3

Time to catch up on the real

wow. it has been almost 3 years since i've written on here...#fail. <<<---- thats a knew little ditty on social media right there since i've been on. #hashtagging. who comes up with this stuff anyway? i am resonating lately with that old saying that goes something like "isn't it funny how day to day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different." just even looking back at a few of my posts when i first started this blog up until now. i remember starting it with a purpose in mind about "me". i wanted to not be obligated to share everything about my marriage, motherhood adventures, things i made or didnt, etc....i just wanted to share whatever i was thinking about on whatever said day, and whatever came to my mind. OBVIOUSLY it didn't take me very far. i realize why now. usually when we have selfish motives, no matter how pure we think they are, or how validated we feel, eventually, truth wins and things just do not turn out the way we expect them to. i'm going to be really raw and honest. i was having a bit of a rough go at life. from the outside looking in, you may think "what??, why??, she's got it made." the truth of the matter is, i did, and do have it made. i will never deny how undeserving and blessed i am. but thats not my point at the moment. i remember feeling a bit lost. though i was on a straight & awesome road to success with my business, had a man who loved me at home, 3 beautiful healthy children, a position volunteering at our churches youth group, and some really great friends to call on, i was struggling with trying to figure out my title. did i have a title? where do i fit in all of those things and how? is it enough? is it too much? what if it's not right? maybe there's something better? #Danger
These thoughts & feelings, all very real, manifested into something very dangerous, unhealthy, and damaging because I chose to stay in that place for awhile. I found people, even people with the best intentions, were quick to "comfort" and validate me. I liked that. Who doesn't like being "right"? Right? I don't want to go into a ton of detail, because it is very painful and very personal. I hope you understand and respect that. I will however share with you, that the place I was in lasted a good 2, close to 3 years. Sin is a beautiful thing and the world does a wonderful job at making things "ok". #lies Its all lies. Let me repeat, and I'm not trying to preach, but Satan is very real, very active, and he is a liar. I'm also not trying to play the blame game. I've got a long list of excuses, experiences, and people in my life to blame. But that's a cop out. And it's wrong. I was very aware of the thoughts I allowed myself to think, the choices I chose to make, and the God I chose to put in a box and pull out when I needed him.
Meanwhile, my health. It was declining. Stress is no good on the body. In fact, it can be a killer. No joke. 1 ectopic pregnancy, 4 surgeries, and a few autoimmune-deficientcies  & developed food allergies later, I am living breathing proof, that there's a reason Gods got a plan, and you should follow along. He really is Good. His heart. His character. His personal touch in all of our lives. What a wonderful savior. What an amazing true gentleman. He goes before me, stands behind, waiting for me while I screw up, still holding the door open for me, and says "here, give me your heart and let me turn your mess into something beautiful." Who does that?!?! Oh. God. And sometimes my husband. Because he's just really great like that.
I want to encourage you, whoever might be reading this. Never give up on what is good. Even if it doesn't "feel" right at the moment. I'm not disregarding feelings. Anyone who knows me personally, knows I am one emotional, "feeling", hot mess more times than not. I can't help it. It's just the way I'm wired I suppose. But! I'm learning where I allow these feelings to go and to always compare them with Who God is and what He says. Because that is where truth lies. I like that too. So much. Quiet your world every so often, say no to self a little more, and read more. Open your heart & mind to Jesus who pleads for and awaits you every day. I by no means am finished, perfect, or even really smart. My children remind me of that almost daily. ;) But this I am sure of: "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
~Philippians 1:6 #thankful